If you’ve ever asked yourself, “Why do I keep attracting the wrong people?”, you’re not alone. It’s one of the most common and painful questions I hear in coaching sessions. You fall for someone charming, attentive, magnetic. But a few months later, you find yourself questioning your worth, tiptoeing around moods, or just trying to keep the peace.
It’s not random. And it’s not your fault. In fact, if you’ve ever been in a relationship with a narcissist (or raised by one), it’s likely your emotional needs were never properly seen or met. And so, without even realizing it, you may be drawn to people who reinforce that experience.
What Keeps This Pattern Going?
For many people, especially those raised by narcissistic or emotionally neglectful parents, love gets wired into the nervous system as something you have to earn.
So if a parent was critical, hot-and-cold, or made love conditional, you may carry unconscious beliefs like:
“If I just do more, they’ll stay.”
“My needs are too much.”
“I have to prove I’m lovable.”
These beliefs shape how you relate to others, and who you’re drawn to. You might unconsciously seek out emotionally unavailable or manipulative partners, not because you want pain, but because your nervous system has learned to associate unpredictability with love.
One of my clients, Lena, said it best: “I thought walking on eggshells was just part of love.” That’s what she grew up with, so she never questioned the red flags. Instead, she blamed herself.
What Narcissism Looks Like in Relationships
“Narcissist” is a term often thrown around, but in coaching, we’re focused not on diagnosing others, but on recognizing the patterns and protecting your well-being.
In It’s Not You by Dr. Ramani Durvasula, she describes narcissistic behavior as a cycle:
- 1. Idealization: You’re everything they’ve ever wanted.
- 2. Devaluation: You’re too sensitive, never enough, or always the problem.
- 3. Discard: You’re left confused, doubting your perceptions, and emotionally drained.
Dr. Ramani’s book reminds us that narcissistic people aren’t drawn to broken people; they are drawn to open people. People with empathy, people who give others the benefit of the doubt.
And her central message is clear: It’s not you. You didn’t create this dynamic. But you can break free from it.
The Role of Emotional Needs — and How to Meet Them
If there’s one common thread in every narcissistic or unhealthy relationship, it’s this: your emotional needs are not being met. And more often than not, you’ve learned to override or minimize those needs—maybe you’ve even forgotten what they are.
So here’s where I encourage every client to begin: Take the Emotional Index Quiz. It’s a quick, free quiz that helps you identify your top four emotional needs; things like security, attention, respect, recognition, peace, or love.
Once you identify your needs, you can start taking deliberate action to get them met by the right people. And that’s the game-changer. When emotional needs are honored and filled, it becomes much easier to spot unhealthy relationships and to walk away from them.
One client, Mark, discovered that “validation” and “consistency” were two of his top emotional needs. He realized his partner never followed through on promises and constantly invalidated his feelings. Before the quiz, he thought he just needed to “toughen up.” But after the quiz, he saw the truth: he was trying to get nourishment from someone emotionally unavailable. And he deserved better.
How to Spot the Pattern Early
If you find yourself asking, “Why do I attract the wrong people?”, start looking for these early warning signs:
- They’re charming… then subtly critical.
- You feel a constant need to please them or prove yourself.
- Their moods dominate the relationship.
- You’re always walking on eggshells.
- You feel anxious more often than calm.
Dr. Ramani describes this as the narcissistic pattern of emotional whiplash—where you’re pulled in, pushed away, and blamed for reacting.
Healing the Pattern — And Building Something Better
Here’s the good news: once you see the pattern, you can begin to heal it. Here’s how:
1. Name your emotional needs. Take the Emotional Index Quiz and write your top needs down. These are not “wants.” They are core requirements for a healthy connection.
2. Notice who can meet them, and who cannot. Start observing your current relationships. Who respects your time, your feelings, your voice? Who drains you or dismisses you? Your body will know before your brain catches up.
3. Begin with micro-boundaries. Say “no” to a phone call when you’re too tired. Ask someone to speak kindly. Let someone know you need space. These small shifts build boundary muscles and change the energy you attract.
4. Make your emotional needs non-negotiable. As you start to meet your needs in healthy ways, whether through supportive friendships, coaching, or simply saying no to what hurts, you’ll stop tolerating relationships that starve you.
One Client’s Story
Jasmin had spent years with emotionally unavailable men. She told me, “They were amazing in the beginning, and then… cold. I thought it was me.” But after taking the quiz and identifying “attention” and “reliability” as top emotional needs, she started paying attention to how people showed up, not just how they sounded. And within six months, she had completely shifted the kind of people she dated. And the difference? “Now I feel seen. Not managed.”
Final Thoughts
If you’ve been attracting the wrong people, please hear this: You are not too much. You are not broken. You are simply ready for more.
When you name your emotional needs and honor them, you stop chasing love from people who can’t give it. Then you stop blaming yourself for someone else’s dysfunction. And you start building the kind of relationships that feel like home, not a battlefield.
So start with the quiz. Name what you need. And then, let that be the foundation for everything else.
