Years ago, when I lived on 33rd Street in New York City, I was bothered by the rubbish blowing along the pavement and the homeless man who begged near the local cash machine. I was also annoyed by a tear in my bathrobe that I kept meaning to repair; one enormous social problem and one ridiculously small domestic irritation, both sitting together on my list of tolerations. That list taught me something I have never forgotten: what is stealing your joy may not be one dramatic problem, but everything you have quietly agreed to put up with.
A toleration is anything that irritates you, drains you, distracts you or makes your life slightly harder than it needs to be. One toleration may take only a tiny bit of energy, but dozens of them create a constant background hum of stress. You become so accustomed to that hum that you may not realize how much happiness it is costing you.
- The overflowing drawer you avoid opening.
- The colleague who contacts you at all hours.
- The appointment you keep postponing.
- The broken item you walk past every day.
- The conversation you know you need to have.
What Is Stealing Your Joy Without You Realizing It?
Most people assume that unhappiness must have a big cause; a difficult job, financial pressure, a disappointing relationship, or a major life transition. Those things certainly matter, but I have often found that people are worn down by the accumulation of smaller problems they never handle. It is rather like having twenty applications running in the background of your computer and then wondering why everything feels slow.
Each time you see the clutter, remember the unfinished task or receive another unwanted message, your mind registers it. You may push the irritation aside because it does not seem important enough to address, but your brain does not completely let it go. Part of your attention remains attached to it, reminding you that something is unresolved.
This is why a holiday does not always solve burnout. You can fly somewhere beautiful, sit beside a sparkling pool, and still take all your unresolved tolerations with you in your mind. The scenery changes, but the mental load remains. Even when you are surrounded by things that should make you happy, the unresolved details can continue stealing your joy in the background.
My Little Toleration Became Something Much Bigger
With some encouragement from my first life coach, Thom, I decided to do something about the rubbish and homelessness on my street. I asked the man near the cash machine whether he would like a job keeping the block clean, and I offered to ask residents to contribute one dollar each week. He agreed; I gave him a broom and dustpan, and my little project, “Neat Street”, began.
I took his photograph, made a flyer, and knocked on doors throughout the neighborhood. Before long, he was earning money, receiving clothes and books from residents, and was no longer homeless, while the idea spread to other streets after being featured on local television. All of that happened because I stopped complaining about something that bothered me and decided to handle it.
Now, not every petty annoyance will turn into a community project, and I did eventually need to repair or replace that bathrobe! The point is that tolerations hold energy, while handling them releases energy. Once you take action, you often receive far more satisfaction than you expected. Sometimes the simplest act of dealing with a toleration is enough to stop it stealing your joy.
Susanna’s Success Story: From Executive Burnout to Feeling Light Again
Susanna was a successful female executive who came to coaching because she felt exhausted and strangely joyless. She had a strong career, a comfortable home and a family she loved, yet she woke up feeling burdened before the working day had even begun. She assumed that her demanding role was the whole problem, but her list of tolerations revealed a much fuller picture.
Susanna answered emails late at night because she had never established a clear boundary with her team. She attended meetings that did not require her presence, avoided a difficult conversation with a colleague, and worked in a home office filled with old files, broken equipment, and piles of paper. At home, she continued doing tasks that other family members could easily have handled because asking for help seemed more troublesome than doing everything herself.
She tolerated so many things:
- Constant interruptions.
- Unnecessary meetings.
- Clutter and unfinished paperwork.
- An unreliable colleague.
- Being the default person for everything.
- Most importantly, she tolerated her own exhaustion.
Susanna initially wanted one big answer that would make her feel better, but I asked her to start much smaller. She cancelled two recurring meetings, delegated a weekly report, cleared her office, booked an overdue medical appointment, and told her team when she would no longer respond to non-urgent messages. None of those actions were dramatic, but together they gave her back an extraordinary amount of mental space.
A few weeks later, Susanna told me that she felt lighter when she walked into her office. She was sleeping better, had started taking a proper lunch break, and no longer felt instantly irritated when her telephone rang. Her joy had not disappeared; it had simply been buried underneath too many things she had been tolerating.
Why Tolerations Are Especially Draining for Female Executives
Women in leadership frequently carry work that does not appear in any job description. They may manage people’s emotions, remember personal details, smooth over disagreements, and take responsibility for tasks simply because they know they will complete them properly. That invisible labor can become so normal that they stop questioning whether it should belong to them at all.
Being capable does not mean you must do everything. Being generous does not require you to be endlessly available, and being professional does not mean accepting behavior that leaves you depleted. Every healthy boundary you create gives your energy, and your happiness, somewhere to return.
How to Stop Tolerating What Is Stealing Your Joy
The first step is to write a complete list of everything that is bothering you, no matter how petty, embarrassing or insignificant it seems. Walk through your home, review your calendar, think about your work, finances, health, and relationships, and write down each irritation as it comes to mind. Do not edit the list or tell yourself that you should be able to cope with something. If it bothers you, it belongs on the page.
Begin with the easiest items rather than attacking the most complicated problem. Quick wins create energy, and that energy helps you tackle the more difficult tolerations later. You may be surprised by how satisfying it feels to replace the dead light bulb, make the appointment or send the email you have delayed for three weeks.
Try handling these five types of tolerations:
- Physical: Repair, replace, clean or remove something.
- Professional: Delegate, decline, complete or renegotiate something.
- Relational: Make a request, establish a boundary or have the conversation.
- Financial: Pay, cancel, organize or investigate something.
- Personal: Rest, seek support or keep a promise to yourself.
Aim to eliminate one toleration every day for the next week. Some will require five minutes, while others may need a plan, professional help or a courageous conversation. What matters is that you stop stepping over the same problems and start moving them towards resolution.
You May Not Need More Joy, You May Need Less Irritation
We often try to become happier by adding something new: another holiday, another purchase, another wellness routine or another ambitious goal. There is nothing wrong with adding pleasure to your life, but it will have limited impact if your energy continues leaking through dozens of unresolved annoyances. Before adding more, clear away what is already draining you.
Ask yourself this question today: What am I tolerating that I could handle, change or remove? Choose one item and take the smallest useful action before the end of the day. When you identify what is stealing your joy and take one small step to resolve it, you create space for the happiness that was there all along. Joy often returns quietly, the moment you stop allowing unnecessary stress to occupy its place.
If you’re ready to put these ideas into practice, my Coach Yourself to Success online course walks you through the same tools and exercises I’ve used with coaching clients for more than twenty-five years.
Or you may enjoy my book, Coach Yourself to Success, where we dive more deeply into eliminating your tolerations.
