If you’ve ever felt drained, resentful, or taken for granted in a relationship—whether romantic, professional, or even with family—you’re not alone. The root of these feelings often comes down to one critical skill: setting boundaries. Without clear boundaries, relationships can become exhausting, unbalanced, and, ultimately, unhealthy.
But here’s the good news: setting boundaries is not about pushing people away—it’s about creating stronger, healthier connections. The more you can communicate your limits with confidence and clarity, the more respect, trust, and love you’ll cultivate in your relationships. In my coaching practice, I’ve worked with countless clients who struggled with this. They feared that saying no would make them seem selfish or unkind. But here’s the truth: boundaries are an act of self-respect and a gift to those around you. When you honor your needs, you create a space where true connection can thrive.
Why Setting Boundaries Feels So Hard
I once had a client, Sarah, who came to me feeling completely overwhelmed. She was the go-to person for everyone—her friends, family, and even co-workers. She was constantly agreeing to things she didn’t want to do, whether it was taking on extra work, attending social events that drained her, or always being the one to listen when someone else needed to vent. Sarah had convinced herself that being a good friend, partner, and employee meant always saying yes. The result? She was exhausted, frustrated, and starting to resent the very people she loved.
Sound familiar? If you struggle with setting boundaries, it’s often because:
You don’t want to disappoint people.
The thought of conflict or rejection frightens you.
You believe being “nice” means always being available.
No one taught you how to express your needs in a healthy way.
But here’s the secret: people who truly respect and care about you will appreciate your honesty. And those who don’t? Well, that tells you something about the nature of that relationship.
How to Start Setting Boundaries (Without Feeling Guilty!)
When Sarah and I worked together, I introduced her to a simple but powerful approach: The 4-Step Communication Model for enforcing boundaries. The key to successfully setting boundaries is to be clear, be firm, and be kind.
The 4-Step Communication Model for Enforcing Boundaries
1. Inform. Clearly state the situation and how it impacts you. Example: “I’ve noticed that I’m always the one staying late to finish these reports, and it’s affecting my ability to get home on time.”
2. Request. Ask for what you need in a direct but respectful way. Example: “I’d like to split the workload more evenly so that I’m not the only one working late.”
3. Insist or Demand. If your request is ignored, reinforce your boundary with stronger language. Example: “I will no longer be staying late to complete these reports. This needs to be a shared responsibility.”
4. Leave. If your boundary is continually violated, be prepared to walk away—whether that means leaving the conversation, the situation, or, in some cases, the relationship. Example: “If this continues to be my responsibility alone, I will need to reconsider my role here.”
When Sarah tried this at work, she was terrified at first. But the moment she calmly and professionally stated her boundary, something incredible happened— her boss actually respected it! Not only that, but her colleagues started stepping up more, and she no longer felt like she was carrying the weight of the entire department. It was a game-changer.
The Power of Saying “No” in Relationships
One of my favorite books on this topic is The Book of Boundaries by Melissa Urban. If you haven’t read it yet, I cannot recommend it enough. Melissa does an incredible job of providing real-world scripts for setting boundaries in every type of relationship—romantic, family, workplace, and even social settings. She breaks it down into Green, Yellow, and Red boundary levels, which help you decide how firm your response should be depending on the situation.
For example, if your mother-in-law keeps making uninvited visits to your home, Melissa’s “Green” response would be something like: “I love spending time with you, but I need a heads-up before visits. Can you text me first?”
If that doesn’t work, the “Yellow” version might be: “I need to set a firm boundary around unplanned visits. Please check with me before stopping by.”
And if she keeps pushing? The “Red” boundary: “I won’t be answering the door for unplanned visits. I need you to respect my space.”
What I love about Melissa’s approach is how direct, practical, and empowering it is. She gives you the exact words to use, which is often the hardest part! If you struggle with what to say when setting boundaries, this book will be your best friend.
Boundaries Are an Act of Love
Setting boundaries isn’t about being difficult or selfish—it’s about creating relationships where both people feel valued and respected.
Take my client, James. He was newly married and struggling with his in-laws, who expected him and his wife to be available for family events every weekend. While he loved his in-laws, he also wanted quality time alone with his wife.
When James first mentioned setting boundaries, he worried it would cause tension. But once he used the 4-Step Communication Model, he saw a different outcome:
He calmly explained the situation to his in-laws.
He expressed that he and his wife needed more couple time.
Then he set a clear boundary: They would visit every other weekend instead of every weekend.
Finally, he offered a solution: “We’d love to plan ahead for bigger family gatherings, so we can still spend meaningful time together.”
Instead of pushing back, his in-laws actually respected his honesty. And as a result, James and his wife felt closer and more in control of their own life together.
Your Relationships Will Improve When You Set Boundaries
If you’ve been afraid to start setting boundaries, I challenge you to take one small step today. Choose one area where you feel overwhelmed and try stating a clear, kind boundary.
Here’s what will happen:
You’ll feel more empowered and confident.
You’ll attract people who respect and value you.
And, you’ll have more time and energy for the things (and people!) that truly matter.
Final Thought
Healthy relationships are built on mutual respect, honesty, and care. Setting boundaries isn’t about pushing people away—it’s about making space for deeper, more fulfilling connections. If you’re ready to start, grab The Book of Boundaries by Melissa Urban and dive in. It’s hands-down one of the best resources out there and will change how you approach relationships forever.
Want to go deeper? Check out my online course, Raise Your Emotional IQ, to master the skills of setting boundaries and attracting the respect and love you deserve.
And if you want more guidance, check out my book Coach Yourself to Success, where I share even more strategies for building confidence, improving relationships, and designing a life you love.
