Recently, while reflecting on my own journey of healing from betrayal, I stumbled across a claim that challenged everything I thought I knew about forgiveness. It made me question whether true healing runs deeper than simply letting go, and sent me searching for answers I hadn’t considered before.
One night, scrolling on Instagram, I came across a claim that stopped me in my tracks. It said that a Dr. Laura Zheng, a Stanford researcher, had done studies concluding that forgiveness might not heal you at a deeper level. I was intrigued. Everything I had learned suggested that forgiveness was the key to healing at the deepest level. So I dug deeper. And here is what I found.
I have not been able to verify the existence of a Stanford researcher attached to this viral forgiveness claim, nor have I been able to verify the research itself through official Stanford sources. What I did find was something more nuanced, and frankly, more useful: forgiveness is not the same as reconciliation. That distinction matters enormously.
Because when betrayal hits, it does not just hurt your feelings. It shatters your sense of reality. You thought you were safe, you thought you knew the person. You thought the ground beneath your feet was solid. Then suddenly, it isn’t.
That is why betrayal is so devastating. It injures trust, safety, attachment, and your confidence in your own judgment, all at once.
So perhaps the question is not, “Should I forgive?” Perhaps the better question is, “What does healing actually require?”
What I did find was a fascinating paper by James McNulty, The Dark Side of Forgiveness: The Tendency to Forgive Predicts Continued Psychological and Physical Aggression in Marriage. In that study, the tendency to forgive was associated with continued aggression in more aggressive marriages.
In other words, forgiveness, when offered too quickly or in the wrong circumstances, may remove consequences and allow harmful behavior to continue. That does not mean forgiveness is bad. It means forgiveness without boundaries can be dangerous.
This makes perfect sense to me. Forgiveness is a beautiful idea. But forgiveness is not the same as giving someone continued access to you. It is not the same as trust. It is not the same as pretending it didn’t happen. And it is certainly not the same as staying in a relationship that is damaging your spirit.
I think this is where so many people get tripped up. They believe that if they do not forgive immediately, they are failing spiritually, emotionally, or morally.
Nonsense. After betrayal, the first job is not forgiveness. The first job is stabilization.
You tell yourself the truth, you stop minimizing, you stop explaining away what happened. You get support, you create distance if needed. And you put boundaries in place with teeth. Only then are you in a position to decide what forgiveness, if any, might look like.
In my experience, betrayal often activates a whole cluster of painful emotions at once; rage, grief, humiliation, confusion, obsession, shame, and self-doubt. One part of you wants to run. Another wants answers. Another wants revenge. And another wants the whole thing to disappear.
No wonder people feel unhinged by betrayal. You are trying to metabolize too much at once.
So what helps?
First, do not force forgiveness. Forced forgiveness is often just emotional suppression wearing a halo.
Second, create enough distance to think clearly. That distance may be emotional, physical, digital, or conversational. It may be temporary. It may be permanent. But without some distance, it is very hard to hear your own inner voice over the noise of pain.
Third, get very clear about your personal and emotional needs. Betrayal is especially destabilizing when it tramples core needs such as love, respect, safety, honesty, understanding, or cherishing. Most people do not even know which needs have been violated; they just know they feel awful. But once you identify the need, you can begin to satisfy it in healthier ways and stop spiraling.
Fourth, put clear and firm boundaries in place. All healthy relationships are based on boundaries. Without boundaries, people lose respect for us. Without respect, love begins to leak out. Boundaries are not punishments. They are the vessel that holds the love.
Fifth, do not make major life decisions in the peak of emotional flooding if you can help it. Calm down first. Sleep. Walk. Write. Talk to a wise therapist or coach. Let the first wave pass. Then decide.
And finally, remember this: forgiveness may eventually bring peace, but distance is often what makes peace possible. Not every wound heals through closeness. Some heal through space, or through truth, or through self-respect. Through no longer giving the betrayer front-row access to your nervous system.
So no, I do not think the real lesson here is that forgiveness is wrong. I think the lesson is wiser than that. Forgiveness may help you heal. But after betrayal, forgiveness alone is not enough. Healing also requires truth, boundaries, and sometimes distance.
That, to me, feels true.
Resources
If betrayal has left you emotionally scrambled, begin by identifying your top personal and emotional needs and strengthening your boundaries. Our Raise Your Emotional IQ course is an excellent next step. It helps you identify your deepest personal and emotional needs so you can stop reacting from pain and start making clear, grounded choices.
You may also want to explore The Secret Laws of Attraction, where I talk more about emotional needs, respect, and the kind of boundaries that protect love instead of destroying it.
And if you want more guidance, check out my book Coach Yourself to Success, where I share even more strategies for building confidence, improving relationships, and designing a life you love.
