Whether you’re newly in love or facing a crossroads in a long relationship or marriage, communication skills make all the difference. It is worth learning how to master the art of communication. It’s not about being perfect, but about being willing—willing to listen, be vulnerable, be wrong sometimes, and work to improve your relationship. However, sometimes, no matter how willing you are to do all of those things, the relationship is simply over.
I know from personal experience just how critical good communication skills for couples are. As I’m going through a very challenging divorce, I’ve done everything I can think of to keep open lines of communication. I wanted and actually expected, given we are both trained coaches, that the whole experience would be amicable and we would end as good friends. (Funny how the word amicable is only used for divorce.) I had hoped that we would both be committed to staying honest, kind, and clear. That we would manage to create a peaceful path forward—for ourselves and for everyone we love.
Alas, if someone doesn’t want to communicate with you, you have to accept it and move on. I still carry that hope and still hold the door open for honest communication so we can end our marriage as peacefully as possible. Going to court was not something I ever imagined my husband would want to do, but this divorce has been one surprise after another. I’ve now let go of all my expectations and am focusing on my children and my work while the lawyers focus on settling the divorce. Sometimes all you can do is let go of everything.
Communication can be the difference between a bitter breakup and an empowering new beginning—or between living in silent resentment and growing even closer. It’s well worth learning a few simple communication skills that give your relationships the best chance of being happy and healthy.
Communication Matters More Than You Think
Most people think communication is just about talking. It’s not — it’s about connecting.
It’s the difference between blurting out, “You never listen to me!”—and quietly saying, “I feel invisible sometimes, and it really hurts.” Or, “I’d like to get all my thoughts out on the table. Would you be willing to just listen to me without interrupting until I finish?”
Connecting is being willing to slow down, breathe, and say what you really mean, not just react in the heat of the moment.
Good communication skills for couples mean:
- Listening without interrupting
- Speaking from your own experience (using “I” statements)
- Being willing to hear feedback without defensiveness
- Checking for understanding (“What I hear you saying is…”)
- Asking for what you need clearly and kindly
None of this is about being perfect. It’s about practicing—over and over—until it becomes second nature.
Elizabeth’s Journey from Conflict to Connection
Elizabeth came to me after ten years of marriage. She was frustrated, exhausted, and ready to walk away. “We just can’t talk without fighting,” she said. “It’s like we speak different languages.”
During our sessions, I taught her the basic building blocks of healthy communication skills for couples: active listening, staying on one topic at a time, and using positive requests instead of criticism.
At first, Elizabeth wasn’t convinced. She said, “It feels fake. I don’t want to have to think so hard to talk to my own husband!” I said, “Think of it like learning a dance. At first, it’s awkward. But soon it becomes graceful—and natural.” She decided to give it a real try.
The first big shift came when she practiced reflecting back what her husband said without arguing. Instead of jumping in to defend herself, she said, “It sounds like you felt left out when I made those plans without you.” She told me later, “I was shocked! He just melted. For the first time in years, he opened up instead of shutting down.”
Week by week, Elizabeth built a new foundation with her husband. It wasn’t always easy—sometimes they had to hit pause and try again later—but the results were undeniable. By the time we wrapped up our coaching, Elizabeth said, “I feel like we’re falling in love all over again. It’s like I finally learned the language he speaks.”
And really, that’s what communication skills for couples are all about—learning the language of love, respect, and connection.
My Favorite Simple Tools for Better Communication
When I work with clients, I like to teach a few quick, go-to techniques that you can use right away:
1. The 60/40 Rule: Listen 60% of the time. Speak 40%. This alone can shift everything. Start practicing by listening for just two minutes before you speak.
2. Pause Before You Speak: Take a deep breath. Ask yourself, “Am I speaking from love?”
3. Be Curious, Not Furious: If your partner says something upsetting, instead of getting angry, get curious. “Can you help me understand what you mean?”
4. Make Requests, Not Complaints: Instead of, “You never help around the house,” say, “I’d love your help with dinner tonight.”
5. Appreciate Out Loud: Say something you appreciate about your partner every day. It builds emotional safety, and safety is the soil where true communication grows.
Final Thought
If you want a better relationship, you don’t have to wait for your partner to change. You can start changing the dance by changing your steps. Good communication skills for couples aren’t just nice to have—they are essential to creating the love, trust, and partnership you truly want.
Further Reading: Deepen Your Connection
For those looking to explore more, I highly recommend:
Love More, Fight Less: Communication Skills Every Couple Needs by Gina Senarighi. This workbook offers practical exercises to help couples strengthen their communication and resolve conflicts effectively.
The Secret Laws of Attraction: The Effortless Way to Get the Relationship You Want by Talane Miedaner. This book delves into understanding your emotional needs and how meeting them can naturally attract the love and connection you desire.
