You know that frustrating feeling when you’re talking to someone—maybe your partner, a friend, or even a co-worker—and they completely misunderstand you? Or worse, they get defensive, shut down, or turn the conversation into an argument. If this happens often, you might be making the #1 communication mistake without even realizing it.
The mistake? Assuming instead of clarifying.
Most people don’t communicate as clearly as they think they do. We assume others understand what we mean, share our perspective, or should just “get it” without us having to explain. But the reality is that assumptions create more misunderstandings than anything else in relationships.
Luckily, there’s an easy fix. This simple communication shift will instantly improve your conversations—and I share how my client, Vanessa, transformed her marriage once she stopped making this mistake.
The #1 Communication Mistake: Assuming Instead of Clarifying
You might be thinking, “I don’t assume! I explain myself all the time.” But let’s take a closer look.
Have you ever thought:
“They should know what I mean.”
“If they really cared, I wouldn’t have to ask.”
“I thought you knew I wanted that.”
These are all assumptions. And assumptions are the silent killers of good communication. When we assume, we expect people to read our minds instead of expressing our needs, thoughts, or feelings clearly. Then, when they don’t respond the way we want, we get frustrated, upset, or even resentful. This is exactly what was happening with my coaching client, Vanessa.
Client Success Story: How Vanessa Transformed Her Marriage
Vanessa came to me feeling completely disconnected from her husband, Mark. She was convinced that he didn’t care about her needs, wasn’t affectionate enough, and didn’t appreciate her. “I shouldn’t have to ask for things,” she told me. “If he really loved me, he’d just know.”
That’s the assumption trap right there.
Vanessa was expecting Mark to guess what she needed—without ever telling him clearly. She thought he should just “know” that she wanted more quality time together, that she needed more words of affirmation, that she didn’t feel seen. But here’s the truth: no one is a mind reader.
Once Vanessa learned how to clarify instead of assume, everything changed. Instead of assuming Mark knew she wanted a date night, she started saying, “Hey, I’d love to have dinner just the two of us this Friday. Would you be up for that?” Instead of assuming Mark didn’t appreciate her, she started asking, “I’d love to hear what you admire about me. What’s something you love about our relationship?”
To her surprise, Mark was happy to do these things—he just hadn’t realized how much they meant to her. Within weeks, their communication improved dramatically. Vanessa felt heard, Mark felt appreciated, and their relationship became stronger than ever.
The Simple Hack to Fix This Communication Mistake
Ready to stop assuming and start communicating more clearly? Here’s a simple communication shift you can use right now: Replace assumptions with clarifying questions. Instead of assuming what someone means, feels, or wants, ask them directly.
Instead of: “I thought you knew I wanted help with this.”
Say: “Can we talk about how we can split up this task?”
Instead of: “You never listen to me.”
Say: “Can I check if you heard what I meant? What did you take from what I just said?”
Instead of: “You should know what I like.”
Say: “I’d love to tell you more about what makes me happy—want to hear?”
How This Works in Real Life
Let’s say you’re frustrated with a friend because they never initiate plans. You assume they don’t care about the friendship. Instead of jumping to conclusions, clarify:
Wrong approach: “You never make an effort to hang out with me.”
Better approach: “I’ve noticed I usually make the plans—do you prefer when I take the lead, or would you like to plan something together?” This gives them a chance to explain instead of putting them on the defensive.
Another example: You assume your boss didn’t acknowledge your hard work because they don’t value you. But what if they simply didn’t realize you needed that feedback?
Wrong approach: Sulking or waiting for recognition that never comes.
Better approach: “Hey, I’d love to hear your thoughts on my work on that project. Any feedback for me?”
By asking instead of assuming, you eliminate unnecessary misunderstandings and improve every relationship—romantic, personal, and professional.
Why This Shift Works So Well
It removes frustration. Instead of feeling upset, you get clarity.
It avoids conflict. No more arguments over things that could have been easily cleared up.
It makes people feel safe. When people feel understood, they’re more open and responsive.
How to Make This a Daily Habit
Want to train yourself to stop assuming and start clarifying? Here’s a simple exercise:
1. Catch yourself making assumptions. Anytime you think, They should just know!—pause. Recognize that’s an assumption.
2. Replace it with a clarifying question. Instead of assuming, ask: “Can I check that I understand you correctly?”
3. Practice active listening. Once you ask, truly listen. Repeat back what they said to confirm you’re on the same page.
The more you practice, the more natural it becomes. Soon, you’ll stop expecting people to read your mind and start communicating clearly and effectively.
For a deeper dive into how to communicate more clearly and compassionately, I highly recommend reading Nonviolent Communication by Marshall Rosenberg. It teaches powerful techniques for expressing yourself without conflict and listening without defensiveness.
And if you’re looking to transform your communication skills in all areas of life, check out my Coach Yourself to Success Course—a step-by-step guide to improving relationships, career success, and personal fulfillment.
Final Thoughts: No More Assumptions
If you take one thing from this post, let it be this: Stop assuming. Start asking. Whether it’s with your partner, friends, or colleagues, assumptions create misunderstandings, but clarity creates connection. Vanessa learned this and transformed her marriage. You can do the same.
Take the Next Steps:
Read Nonviolent Communication.
Enroll in the Coach Yourself to Success Course.
Grab my book Coach Yourself to Success for more personal growth tools.
