Negotiation is an essential skill that can transform your life—whether you’re navigating a difficult divorce settlement, asking for a raise, or finding common ground with a business partner. Yet, the most challenging part of negotiations often isn’t finding solutions—it’s overcoming resistance.
Resistance is natural. People don’t like to feel controlled, so they may reject your proposal even though it is a good one simply because you suggested it. But it doesn’t have to be a roadblock. With the right strategies, you can build trust, foster collaboration, and create solutions that work for all parties. Below are some practical techniques from world-class negotiators Roger Fisher and William Ury to overcome resistance in negotiations and move toward a successful outcome.
1. Start with Empathy and Understanding
Resistance often arises when the other person feels unheard or misunderstood. Start by creating a safe space where they can express their concerns openly. Listen actively, reflect on what you hear, and validate their feelings—even if you don’t agree.
- Practical Tip: Instead of responding with counterarguments, say: “I can see why you’d feel that way. Can we explore what might help ease that concern?”
In a divorce settlement, if your ex-spouse worries about financial instability, acknowledge their fears before proposing a solution. Similarly, in a workplace setting, empathize with your boss’s need to manage budgets while presenting clear evidence of your value.
For more on the power of understanding and empathy in creating breakthroughs, check out the book Getting to Yes: Negotiating Agreement Without Giving In by Roger Fisher and William Ury. Their approach emphasizes principled negotiation and separating people from the problem.
2. Reframe the Problem
Often, negotiations stall because both parties focus on their positions (what they want) instead of their underlying interests (why they want it). Reframing shifts the conversation and opens the door to creative solutions.
- Practical Tip: Use language like: “It seems like we both want [shared goal]. How can we work together to achieve that?”
In a divorce, instead of arguing over who gets the house, reframe the discussion around shared goals like creating stability for your children or dividing assets fairly. In the workplace, if a manager resists approving a new project, ask: “Could we test this idea with a smaller pilot and evaluate its results?”
3. Build Small Agreements
Finding common ground on smaller points can create momentum for tackling larger challenges. Each small agreement builds trust and makes the negotiation feel less overwhelming.
- Practical Tip: Start by asking: “Can we agree on this small point as a first step?”
If your ex-partner resists discussing alimony, focus first on simpler topics, like co-parenting schedules. Establishing collaboration early makes difficult conversations easier later. At work, if a colleague hesitates to adopt your idea, start with a smaller proposal they can easily agree to.
4. Use Open-Ended Questions
Open-ended questions encourage collaboration and allow the other party to think critically about their needs and solutions. They reduce defensiveness and foster creative thinking.
- Practical Tip: Try questions like:
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- “What’s most important to you in this situation?”
- “How do you think we can move forward together?”
In a divorce, if your ex-spouse resists selling a shared asset, ask: “What would an ideal outcome look like for you?” At work, if a team member is hesitant to approve your idea, ask: “What adjustments would make this plan work better for you?”
5. Offer Multiple Options
People resist when they feel trapped or cornered. Offering multiple solutions gives them a sense of control and increases the likelihood of finding common ground.
- Practical Tip: Present 2–3 alternatives and say: “Here are a few options—do any of these work for you, or should we explore others?”
In a divorce, propose alternatives like a lump-sum payment, a payment plan, or an asset swap to meet financial needs. At work, if negotiating a raise isn’t feasible, suggest other benefits like professional development opportunities or flexible working arrangements.
6. Leverage Objective Criteria
When emotions run high, objective standards can ground the conversation in fairness. Use market data, legal precedents, or industry benchmarks to support your position.
- Practical Tip: Say: “This isn’t just my opinion—here’s the data that supports this approach.”
In a divorce, use financial calculators or legal guidelines to establish a fair division of assets. At work, provide performance metrics or salary benchmarks to justify a raise: “Based on industry averages and my contributions, this adjustment seems reasonable.”
7. Stay Calm and Be Patient
Negotiations can be emotionally charged. Staying calm and patient not only de-escalates tension but also demonstrates professionalism and strength.
- Practical Tip: If discussions become heated, suggest a break: “Let’s take a moment to reflect and come back to this later.”
In a divorce, if your ex-spouse becomes defensive, maintain a neutral tone and refocus on shared goals. In the workplace, if a manager resists feedback, calmly restate your perspective and offer to provide additional information.
8. Focus on Long-Term Relationships
Even in contentious negotiations, preserving the relationship is often more important than “winning.” Focus on trust and solutions that benefit both sides.
- Practical Tip: Say: “I want to ensure this outcome works for both of us and sets the tone for future collaboration.”
In a divorce, prioritize co-parenting harmony over short-term wins. At work, frame negotiations as a shared effort: “How can we work together to achieve the best result for the team?”
From Resistance to Resolution
Negotiation isn’t about winning or losing—it’s about finding solutions that honor everyone’s needs. Whether you’re navigating a personal challenge like a divorce or advocating for yourself professionally, these strategies can help you overcome resistance, build trust, and achieve meaningful outcomes.
If you’re ready to take your negotiation skills to the next level, I recommend reading Getting to Yes: Negotiating Agreement Without Giving In. It’s a fantastic resource for anyone looking to create win-win outcomes.
For more insights on creating the life you truly want, my book Coach Yourself to Success offers powerful strategies for personal and professional growth.
