Most of us make the mistake of thinking that if our partner or loved ones truly loved us, they would know what to do to make us happy. Unfortunately, it isn’t that easy as everyone has different needs. What works for one person won’t work for another. It is extremely important to learn to be very clear and specific about what you need and expect from others. Just this morning I made the mistake of assuming my husband was ill and that was why he wasn’t getting out of bed to make breakfast for the children. I then became angry because he wasn’t ill, just tired and I immediately felt that he didn’t cherish me (one of my top needs) because if he really cherished me, he would have gotten out of bed so I could rest. He pointed out that I didn’t tell him I was sick and needed to stay in bed to rest. A complete failure on my part to communicate and I’m a trained coach! Ha! So if I’m falling into this trap of expecting a loved one to meet my needs without articulating what I want, then I can guarantee that lots of others are doing this too, yes, you too!
Have you ever been disappointed when your friend, partner, loved one didn’t meet your expectations? People often don’t do what we expect because we haven’t communicated our desires clearly. If you say you love flowers and your boyfriend brings you daisies, but you really wanted red roses, then you have a communication problem! Be specific and you’ll be amazed at how much easier it is to get what you want. If you want ten dozen red roses, ask for them!
If you haven’t already done so, take the free Emotional Index Quiz and list your top four personal and emotional needs in your online journal. If you have, great, you don’t have to retake the quiz, just list your needs.
Homework:
List Your Top 4 Personal and Emotional Needs (from the Emotional Index Quiz)
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Now, what need isn’t being fulfilled? Who do you need to ask to fulfill this need and what specifically would you like them to say or do? The more specific and clear your request, the easier it will be for this person to satisfy your needs, e.g. “I’d love it if you opened doors for me. It makes me feel cherished.” Or, “I would like you to take ten minutes to do nothing but sit and listen to me without interrupting me. That makes me feel heard.” In this way you’ll be teaching the people around you how to treat you to bring out your best. We all tend to get irritable when our needs aren’t being met and that isn’t very attractive!
List the people you will ask to satisfy this need and what each person will do or say for the next 8 weeks.
Person Specific Request
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Good! Now go and ask these five people to start meeting your specific needs this week. Use your online journal to note these requests and how people responded to them over the next week or two.
Ten Minute Option:
List the 5 people you will ask to meet your needs above in your online journal and what specific request you’d like to make of them. Think of small things you can ask of those around you, then gradually make bigger and bigger requests. You can start asking as you think about it or bump into them, but do ask. If you don’t ask, you won’t receive!
Enjoy!
Talane
Helpful Resources:
2. The Secret Laws of Attraction: The Effortless Way to Get the Relationship You Want by Talane Miedaner. I go into great length in this book on needs and how to fulfill them. Well worth working on if you haven’t focused on this intently in the Coach Yourself to Success Online program earlier.
