Lifecoach: Coaching Advice Column

If you would like a bit of coaching advice, please fill out the form below and, while we cannot guarantee your question will be answered in the column, we will do our best to refer you to a coach who can help you! If you do not wish your name to be shared, please do not provide it! All submissions will become the property of Lifecoach.com.

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Thank you! And we look forward to hearing from you!
Talane

Dear Coach,

I have a daughter (actually my former foster daughter) who is bipolar, 23 yrs of age, single, with 4 children. She is currently residing with me as she just had her 4th baby. I love her but not her disorganized lifestyle. She has a good heart, means well, but lacks in commense sense and being orderly. It's affecting me tremendously as I have a stressful job. Her children are like my grandchildren, and I worry about them following in her footsteps. What can I do to coach her along in making better choices and improving her lifestyle?
Thanks!
Margaret

Dear Margaret,

I'm a life coach, not a doctor or psychiatrist so I can't help your daughter. She probably needs medical attention as bipolar disorders typically require medication and I'm not the right person to advise you on this. However, I can advise you on managing your own stress. The key is to put in place very, very strong and clear boundaries. You can have boundaries such as, "You can only stay in my home if you are on medication." "You must contain your messes to your room," etc. Write down a set of house rules that will make the situation pleasant for you and go over the conditions required for living with you. And you must also outline the consequences for infraction and make sure you follow up. Without boundaries, her chaos will end up driving you mad! And remember, it is only with boundaries that real intimacy can occur.
Warmest,
Talane

Dear Coach,

I began my company in 1990, and grew it with seed capital to a nice company with 15+ employees and doing well. In 1991, it all fell apart. We sold what some of the assets and liquidated the liabilities in a personal and business bankruptcy. I began the company again after my non-compete expired, but haven't had near the success that we had before. I can make excuses, but it really comes down to me not busting my butt and making it work. I have adult ADD, but don't feel that is a real excuse - just something that my parents, and my wife can say that I need to take medicine for.
I know that I probably have and my wife have gone through some level of depression - but still feel that all I need is just that "once" and I will be Rolling. I am the eternal optimist.
I have decided to give myself a deadline of the end of this year, and either I start paying myself a minimum some salary or I need to go out and get a "job".
Your ideas and comments would be appreciated. .

Thanks,
The Eternal Optimist

Dear Optimist,

Thanks for your email. As for your question, yes, take a salary immediately. What I've discovered is that entrepreneurs generate the money that they need. Pay yourself first and then you'll figure out how to pay your creditors by creating extra business.
On a broader topic, why are you in this business? I'd highly recommend two books for you:
1) The E-Myth Revisted by Michael Gerber. It gives an example of a woman who is burnt out running her pie business and the second half of the book is a series of questions that, when answered will be your business plan. The first question and most important one is: What is your ideal life? Once you figure out your ideal life and what is really important to you, then design your business to support that. Most people do it the other way around and that gets depressing!
2) A great book for ADD-- Focus Your Energy by Thom Hartmann-- it will make you feel thrilled to have ADD.
Another quick question: are you in fact taking your medication? If your wife says you need it, then believe her! She has to live with you after all.
Let me know if this helps and keep me posted on your success.
Warmest regards,
Talane

Hi there!

I am in a "moral" dilemma. I am getting married in a few months and I have some (major) concerns about the inevitable, upcoming bachelor party. I am strongly against the "traditional" strippers. The very thought of the concept beyond this tradition makes me queasy. I know that my fiancé is expecting this from his friends (although he says he doesn't want it). And although he says he doesn't want it, I realize that a part of him does want it, because he will never live it down if he makes a big scene about this. Plus, I also think it's part ego -- the fact that HE is finally getting married -- no one thought he would ever find the one! -- has to be cause for him have the traditional farewell. His friends, I can bet, are very excited about this --- and I don't want my fiancé to be the fall guy. I've heard too many stories that I find appalling, pathetic and unacceptable. I think the whole process is extremely disrespectful to women - but, in speaking only for myself-- I find it to be disrespectful to me. My fiancé doesn't feel it would be disrespectful to me.

He thinks that it is a matter of trust, but for me it crosses a line--I cannot stomach the thought of some sleazy (paid for ) woman touching my fiancé, while he is tied to a chair. The thought of it as I write is causing me much anguish and I am afraid that if this type of behavior happens, I will never get that thought out of my head and it will change the way I feel about him and thus our future.

I don't want to give ultimatums -- I want him to enjoy his bachelor party. I have approached him about this, but the discussions are still ongoing -- there has not been a resolution (I don't even know what that would be). From our conversations, it seems inevitable that the "tradition" will continue, and I am not sure how to set boundaries that are acceptable to the both of us.

I know that this is long -- but any help would be greatly appreciated --- I am a wreck and perhaps a different perspective would put me in a better position. Thank you, thank you.

You can sign me:
Queasy in Detroit, MI

Dear Queasy,

It sounds, from your note, that this is a very important issue for you and if it is unacceptable to you, then you had better have a heart-to-heart conversation with your future husband. This is something that bothers you enough that you need to let him know how you feel. You can tell him that you trust him, but just the thought of having a stripper dance around him and tease him disturbs you. Talk to him in a neutral tone of voice, without judgement and be willing to hear his side of the story. Reaffirm that you do trust him and know that he would not have sex with the stripper, but that you feel uncomfortable with the thought of him being involved in any sort of sexual activity. If this is important to you, it may come up after you are married as well. He might be traveling on business and want to go into strip joints with his friends. Are your values compatible on this whole issue? Have you discussed these issues? I don't know what your religious or spiritual background is, but regardless, it may be helpful to see a minister or priest for some pre-marital counseling just to make sure you two know what you are getting into. I'm not a Catholic, but I would definitely go through their excellent pre-marital counseling program. They ask each partner separately to answer a number of difficult questions, including such questions as "How would you feel if your partner had an extra-marital affair?" etc. Then they help you go over the questions together. It is an excellent exercise for any couple as it can raise some important issues that you may or may not have discussed together. Does this answer your question? Please let me know how it goes.

All the best,
Talane

Dear Talane,

Thank you for your response. I have started the communication process in regards to this and am feeling much better about how we each feel about the situation -- we are on the same page!

On a side note, I would like to also say thank you for providing a great service. I have purchased your book and found it to be insightful and helpful. It has started motivating me to take the necessary steps to make my one life, the best one! I look forward to participating in future phoneclasses -- we'll see where that leads!

Thanks again!
Best, Queasy no more!